What is the deal with men and their balls (in the medical profession: testicles)? I have debated on whether or not to touch base on this subject for the pure fact that it is one that leaves me looking either incredibly bizarre or maybe as someone who has met one too many weirdo’s in her short dating life (I consider it short compared to The Duchess of Alba). I might have to say to go with the latter, I really am not that bizarre. But, I have had some bizarre encounters with men and their balls, literally.
I understand for many men it’s a spot for pleasure, I mean thanks to Kim Catrall on Sex and the City most people who may not be in the know of balls and their many “uses” got an eyeful and earful. With that said; Thank you Kim Catrall, a.k.a Samantha, I always felt better knowing that there was another woman (fictional or not) that had the same kind of encounters with men. And so, with that I will share with you my experiences with the men I’ve known intimately and the balls that came attached to them.
The case of the disappearing balls
My friend, or let’s be honest from the start here-clearing throat- my friend with benefits was staying over my house one weekend and it so happened that I had to work one of the days that he was staying with me, and so off I went to work for the day. I worked at the time for a really uptight TPA company that really had my fictional balls in a grinder. They were obsessively controlling when it came to take time off/vacation/sick days, so you can only imagine the tantrum they would throw when you had to leave early. I have always been of the motto that I will go to work unless I have something that can be passed on or if no one is willing to roll my coffin in to work.
So there I was sitting in my desk taking care of business as usual when my private line rings. I look and see that it’s my F with B (friends with Benefits). I thought it would be his usual “hey, I’m bored. When are you getting off ??” But little did I know that this is was far from that kind of call.
F with B- “Hey! Listen I have a problem…” his voice in a shaking distress. ” I was taking a shower and then as I was lathering up I noticed that my balls have gone up… they are not there! THEY HAVE GONE COMPLETELY UP TO MY BODY!!”
You can understand that I was now very distressed myself. What in the world did he mean ‘Gone?! and up his Body?!’ I couldn’t picture in my head what was going on over there and here I am in the medical field where I get all kinds of exposure to weird medical procedures.
Me- “okay, okay, calm down. I am going to ask one of the doctors here and see if that is at all normal, and I will call you back”
F with B- “Okay. Please ask them.”
I went over to the doctor I had the least shame of asking this to (he was also the oldest, I figured he’d seen it all). He listened, all the while rubbing his beard.
Doctor- “Tell your friend he needs to see a doctor, balls are not meant to be up there. What was he doing again when this happened?
Me- ” He said he was taking a shower.”
Doctor- lets out a small laugh “right… he was taking a shower...”
I called my F with B and told him that he would have to see a doctor.
F with B- “Will you come with me? I don’t know who to go to.” The scared, and unsure voice made me realize that men really can’t do without women.
I hung up the phone and told my boss I had a medical emergency and had to leave to take my “friend” to the doctor. I was in such a rush because he kept calling to tell me how it had still not come down, that I just left without much of an ok from their lips
What I learned that day: Balls can go up your body, and it is normal! I also learned to keep them away from his body during coitus so that he didn’t freak out if/when it should happen again.
I have a tendency to only date athletes, and I have a particularly bad habit of dating track athletes. You know the kind; they wear really tight clothing, so tight we women know what’s underneath. Now, this guy was a former track athlete (he was a thrower, and javelin kind of guy), tall, handsome, and a great smile, oh, and nice butt! He was now a coach, and I gotta say that was also the thing that attracted me to him at first.
After a couple of dates, we found ourselves in the bedroom. He was pretty assertive in there which was nice, but yet a battle because he was completely clueless when it came to the female body and to what I was telling him. The frustration was mounting (no pun intended…lol, okay it was…) when he turned me on my stomach and decided the best thing right now was to keep me from slapping him into understanding what I wanted, and so, it was no face to face. I was actually enjoying myself (maybe because I didn’t have to see his face, and let me tell you that face was really starting to frustrate me) when all of a sudden, I felt something. I know what you’re thinking (or maybe not at this point), I am suppose to feel something! But this was like an aftershock. You know, like when an THE earthquake hits and then all of a sudden a little after shock comes about and you ask yourself “what the hell was that?! That wasn’t part of the earthquake!?” This went on after every “earthquake”… I would get a small aftershock.
What is hitting me?!
I moved my hand and find that it was… his balls.
My mind started to think quickly… these ‘aftershocks where coming a couple of seconds after the main one… How long has this guy been in the heat wearing those tight shorts that his balls would want to escape so far from his body!!? (If there is one thing I learned in Seinfeld, it was on shrinkage, and the the peculiar habits of those little guys).
I thought it was a one time thing due to having been in the sun all day earlier, but as it turned out it was that he had the kind of balls that belonged to paired with a pin pong paddle… you know the kind, the one’s with the string.
We stopped seeing each other, he also turned out to be a huge douche box (yeah, a box).
I shaved my balls!
This guy… All I can say is that this guy cannot stop telling me about his freshly shorn balls… Every time we meet he is more excited to tell me about how smooth and delectable like his balls are.
I have started to question if this guy is one of those guys who can ‘bend like that’ to be such a fan of his balls in that manner.
I have just noticed the word count… and I think I may have over written here, so I will save the rest for some other time.
Yes, sadly there is more…
Happy Friday to you all!