Write hard and clear about what hurts.
– Ernest Hemingway
I found a teddy bear today and it had a zipper in the back. When I opened it, it had a letter from someone I wish I could just forget.
I started playing the viola in the sixth grade. It was small group of people who weren’t drawn to the shiny metal of the trumpets, saxophones, and ever so popular clarinets. We were a close group of people more interested in stringed instruments and classical music. This is were I formed some of the best friendships, the friendships that held me together throughout my public school years. But when I got to high school I tried to find my niche just like everyone does in high school; I participated in the guard, water polo, swimming, but orchestra is where I felt accepted and more appreciated for my ability in music.
Like I said, this started in sixth grade. One of the friendships I held dear to me was of a guy named Alex. He was a grade ahead of me, cute, a great piano player, and now played bass in the orchestra. I had a crush on him, me and just about every other girl in orchestra. But I tend to be more ‘faithful’ when I like someone and I know that I can maintain that for years. Our parents knew each other, and with another little group of friends from orchestra we participated in solo and ensemble, we went to the movies together, and maintained in touch after he went on to high school before me and my other friends.
I was now a sophomore in high school. My favorite part of the day was second period; orchestra. I loved it. We were all together again, and it was a mutual love for music and respect for one another’s ability that got us to be even closer, as friends. I trusted him completely.
My brother was an eighth grader and had signed up for solo and ensemble which was being held at my high school. I chose not to do solo that year, but decided to accompany my brother for moral support and make sure he didn’t get lost.
Alex was in the Tri-M honor society at the time and was racking volunteer hours that he needed, and so he was there. We chit-chatted, laughed and just as I was about leave with my brother he asked me to stick around. He said he was bored and Mrs. M (our orchestra conductor) wouldn’t mind if I helped out. It was a weekend, but spending time with my friend goofing around seemed better than whatever else I might have had planned. We spent the time running around escorting musicians and judges to their rooms and positing results.
Alex- “Hey! I have Mrs. M’s keys. Do you want to see the secrete passage there is to get to the stage?”
Just as the words came out of my mouth, I got a funny feeling that maybe we shouldn’t be using her keys to go about the building. But I didn’t want to be a wet head and ruin it.
He opened one of the side doors located by the open courtyard. I walked in first, he was right behind me.
I had a panic come over me immediately.
We were in a small room with only stairs that could be seen by a faint light.
I immediately ran up the first flight of stairs, found a door, tried to open it… closed. My heart was pounding.
I ran up he second flight of stairs, found a door, tried to open it… closed. At this point I wanted to leave anyway possible, I was scared and I didn’t know why.
Then he came behind me, Alex. He grabbed me and placing himself behind me, I couldn’t see his face. His hands were wrapped around me, and he started touching me all over. I didn’t know what was going on. This was my friend… why is he doing this?
He unzipped my pants and put his hands inside my underwear and began feeling around. I took his arm and tried to take it out. I remember asking him what he was doing, and why? He finally let me go. I pulled up my pants, and zipped them up. I couldn’t breathe. I ran down one flight of stairs.
Alex- ” I can’t hold it anymore.”
I stopped at the bottom of that flight of stairs. He undid his pants, pulled out his penis, and began masturbating right there, right in front of me. He said my name, and I just couldn’t move.
I had never been kissed, I had only just gone on my first date, and didn’t even hold hands. I was so confused, and scared.
When he was done, he began coming the down the stars and I ran the rest of the stairs. Just as I was about to go out the same way we came in, he told me that it was our secret. I just ran out. I ran out and looked for someone…
The first person I saw was Carlos, my section leader. He was senior and my mentor. He saw my face and asked me what was wrong. I told him. I was clearly shaken.
He was in disbelief. Alex was a star student, and his dad was a teacher at the school. I asked him to keep him away from me for the rest of the day.
I hate him. I hate Alex. I hate what he did, and I hate that he made second period the worse period to go to. I skipped it, a lot. I developed eating issues. I never did reported it to anyone else. I was confused as to why someone I knew and trusted would do this to me. I was also convinced that no one would believe me; a girl who did not standout in any subject academically, or had a father for a teacher in the school.
I did a lot of things in order to take control of my situation with men, and a lot of them were not good. I also have developed a skewed mind set that men only want me for one thing. It’s very hard for me to accept that someone would like me for me. Who actually wants to get to know me. I distrust men, and will often ask a question a million times a million different ways to make sure that they are in fact telling me truth. I know this is not okay. I hate that it happens, but it’s also something I work very hard to rectify.
The one person I felt liked me for me was the Italian. It sucks, because I am sure… rather I know there were others, but I just don’t feel they did.
Years ago, he wrote to me on Facebook (when I still had it). I never responded.
I closed the teddy and put the letter back. I remembered clearly why I had put it away and not thrown it away; I wanted to make sure I remembered. I wanted to make sure that should this ever happen I would fight back and demand answers. I wanted to make sure I had closure.