I deserve to be loved.
Doesn’t everybody? It’s hard finding that one person who you wake up with every morning and look in the face and have respect, admiration, and love for. The caveat in all of this “love” is that is has to be reciprocated, and let’s face it, having that happen has to be like finding a hundred dollar bill in your car’s center console. One thing I learned tonight is that I do not want to be with someone who leaves their trash after the movie is done at the theater. How hard is it to just grab it and throw in the trash THAT is so conveniently located as you leave the theater? I don’t like it. Just like that respected and admiration is gone, and clearly loving someone with so little care for cleanliness is well, not in my cards.
I know my dad would have wanted me to be happy. He always thought I was amazing, He never pried into my social life. He always just seemed to be so proud of any little thing I did or brought to his attention. I don’t even think he was humoring me to be perfectly honest. The first time I earned an “A” on my calculus exam and placed it on the fridge (yes, I was that fucking proud. Math is one relationship that has proven to be one sided with me) he congratulated me and told me how proud he was, and would then tell me how he was amazing at math and partook in math competitions. I missed that gene. He use to do math in his head. Why God? Why couldn’t you just have that gene passed on to me??
It’s funny… every time I feel down or have something happen, it could be the silliest of things, the smallest and most ridiculous of things, he’d share in my over the top happiness. One time it was just for the sheer fact I did one perfect push-up. I miss that, I miss his smile and his belief in me.
Here’s the thing. I gotta start with myself. If my dad thought I was pretty great, then fuck, I must be something pretty fucking great. I deserve to be loved, and with that token so do you. I want to be the kind of person I would respect, admire, and most importantly love. Tomorrow I start therapy… again. Let’s see what the fuck I can accomplish.
One last thing: Please, please don’t be that person who leaves their trash in the movie theater.