I love mother daughter bonding time, but I prefer it to be over shopping -for ourselves/each other-, lunch, or just an outing filled of shenanigans. Yesterday my darling mother called me up to ask me to accompany her to do a little shopping, I of course loved the idea of being able be out about walking with other people that now the idea of throwing money at department stores was more than I could hope for. I got home and my mom had that look in her eye that would make Wendy’s costumers wonder if they are being fed real meat or horse meat. I mean she even offered to drive (something this little sixty-eight year old never does). I knew I was in trouble when the car doors locked. She looked at me and said the words any single, kid free by choice woman isn’t happy to hear (atleast me).
Mom: I need you to help me pick out something for Diana’s new born baby.
Me: What! How could you lure me here under the pretense of going shopping! You know that is sacred!
Mom: You two were inseparable when you were kids, I figured you would have an idea as to what she might want. *insert old lady sad eyes*
Me: … let’s make this a 10 minute affair mom… and you owe me trip to Starbucks.
Kids, when your mom says “promise” you should know a little better. There are multiple reasons why I don’t like baby shopping or baby showers. For starters one of those bastard stores duped me into giving them my license which is the only way I can deduce the reason that after visiting one of those baby galore stores that I started being sent magazines and special registry notices for my baby, coupons, and family magazines… rat bastards, my mom sat me down twice already asking me if I was pregnant, and who the father was after getting those(and still getting them!). When you walk in to one of those stores and are female, it is one of those things that people look at you and then immediately at your belly; pregnant, not pregnant? I might be crazy, but I just feel deathly uncomfortable in those stores. Now here I am, going to one of these with my mom. My mom knows my feelings towards ever reproducing…not going to happen. I just don’t have it in me, I didn’t have the best childhood growing up here, and kids can be real mean when you are different. If I were a parent I don’t think I would able to do justice to my dreams and goals.
The electric doors open, I hold my mom’s hand and ask her what she want to give the her, of course she doesn’t give me a clear answer as she is to busy looking at the abundant things a baby in this day in age needs to apparently survive. We land in what I call bath time section of the store, and are taken back by just about everything there is for a newborn baby; bath chairs, baby bath robes, a kind of bjorn baby towel, booties, all sorts of towels, organic this and that, what ever happened to giving your kids a bath in the kitchen sink? I could see my mom was having too much fun just browsing, and our ten minutes was now looking like fifteen. The lady who had been scouring around us like a hungry vulture informed us that the little organic bath robe set for a boy was no longer available.
Me: Okay, mom. Let’s be practical, this kid is going to out grow this stuff in two months and it costs way too much. How do you feel about just getting some diapers? That is something that will always be needed. Remember when I babysat Samantha, she was pooping every couple of hours! Let’s go with diapers.
Mom: *insert not happy mom look* I want to get her a baby blanket for the crib.
Me: Okay… (sad my awesome diaper idea was shot down)
Another ten minutes later we had agreed on a blanket, and dashed for the cash register, but not before being asked if I wanted to open a registry.
I felt relieved leaving baby mecca, but I could tell my mom had fun. Maybe the next time another one of my friends announces that they are knocked up I’ll take her with me. I mean, this is the closest that she’ll ever get to act like a grandma… for humans.
Sadly I didn’t get my Starbucks that day, but I do have an I owe you card signed by her.