I am amazed at how little I can cook when I want to or have to cook for others. How have I made it so far in life without one of life’s most important tools? Neanderthals could out-cook me at this point. I will do what any person would do in this situation, and that is blame my mother. But seriously speaking, how did it get so bad? I have tried to learn, but my mother’s way of teaching does not include any form of measurement!
Mom: You take the chicken and you add mustard.
Me: How much mustard?
Mom: Oh, you know…. this much (and signals to her hand…yeah, because we have the same hand size).
Me: Ummm, can I get a measurement on that?
Mom: However much you feel is needed.
Well, I can tell you now that I have no feelings towards how much of anything I need in life, least of all food. You see, the last time I went with my feeling in regards to cooking, I created a monster; a blob of a monster that I had to pay my dad $20 to clean for me… I had ruined our convection oven. I have also burned paper towels, and all my cookies have been given as bird food after smashing them (because they were so badly burnt). My girlfriend J. is affectionately known as Martha Stewart and Julia Child’s to my family. She is amazing! She taught me to make the one dessert I know how to do (after much coaching, and my secret weapon to keep the men I date happy).
I am going on vacation this Sunday and have decided that Sarasota is my first stop. I will either be staying with my friend JP or his friend (whom I also know well). I want to be a really great house guest, and what better way to do it than through their stomachs? But the faulty part of my plan is I CAN’T COOK! I really want to impress, but the last time I stayed with JP I made us papa rellena with turkey and it threw us in a coma after one bite. Talk about a tryptophan attack. I don’t want us to slowly melt into the couch and miss out on going out because my cooking sedated us into a deep slumber. What do I do? What else can I do? Or should I do what I have done in the past and ask my mother to make something and I’ll just pass it as my own? It did work everytime… but as I’ve gotten older my morals have been talking to me more, and they wont shut up with any amount of tryptophan.
If you happen to have any ideas I would greatly appreciate them, otherwise you might see on your news report about how a house guest burned down a Sarasota home…