Being the perpetual single is not easy around the Holiday season, and New Years is no exception. The stress I have endured and I am sure many of you as well is finding a guy to kiss… ok, well not just any guy (a girl still has some dignity and standards to uphold). My history with New Years or should I say dysfunctional relationship that I have with this day has taught me that this year I am going to stay in and look forward to a year of no-man’s-land- because if 200 cigarettes has taught me anything is that not kissing when the clock strikes twelve causes a year of spinsterhood. But, I am OKAY with that this coming year!
Why the aversion? Well, let me tell you a couple of tales from my single girl New Years and then tell me if you wouldn’t think the best way to celebrate is from abstaining completely from this anxiety filled ritual,
“Hi, Mrs. H! I thought you were asleep!?”
We all have that one guy we have crushed over for years, some years and years… I guess you could call it first love. Well, C.H was that guy to me, and through the many years I have always wanted to spend a special time with him, and it finally came. I went up to spend New Years with him and his family. The great thing about this was I knew I was finally going to get a New Years kiss from the guy I dreamed of getting it from; his parents were infamous for going to bed at 7pm.
So I packed my bags, a cute outfit, and set out for my five hour drive to his place. I was young, in my early twenties, extremely impressionable.
We spent the day with his family and in my head counting the hours till his parents would just lay there heads to bed and C.H and I could watch the ball drop on TV and get that kiss.
Well, it was all going great, well actually as good as it could, his parents didn’t call it a night till 10pm, they were good and liquored up and then off to bed. My other friend JP was also in town and had invited me to come out to party with him and his friends (which are by the way some of the coolest, fun, and good looking men I’ve seen), but no, I said I would stay with C.H my patience was going to pay off! Besides C.H said that he didn’t want to go, and wanted to spend it at home and not with the crazy people in the streets, and there was nothing that was going to get him to go out that night. JP called a couple of times to make sure I didn’t want to join, assured me an amazing time (which I know always happens with him). So there we were C.H and I sat there watching the hour draw near… 10…9…8…7…6… I can’t believe it! 4… and then, just as we were inching towards one another counting down, and looking into each others eyes HIS MOM SPRINGS OUT OF THE BEDROOM.
“Mrs. Hord! I thought you were asleep!?” …2…1
“Happy New Years!” she yells, and throws herself on to her son for a hug and kiss.
How could this have happened? I slowly sat down but was quickly jolted up by his mom and given a hug and a kiss as well. There was no kiss, and she lingered for five minutes until she just went back to bed. This woman ruined it. I COULD have been at a party with tons of people, wearing my hot new years outfit, but I stayed home with him… and now it had been ruined. I went to the bathroom for a good cry after my hug from the mom, I couldn’t believe my shitty luck. He didn’t even seem upset!
We called it a night soon after, I thought at least I’m here with him and that’s something! WRONG! Two minutes in bed and he gets a call; one of his friends is drunk of his ass and wants him to pick him up… a 40 minute drive there and another 40 minutes back. He said he wasn’t leaving, didn’t want to party, and now he is leaving me to pick up his friend who is there with others friends but decides to call C.H.
Worse New Years EVER
I left the next day, not at all hopeful at what the new year may bring, especially now with the way it had started.
The fat girl with no underwear.
A group of us were going to Hard Rock to bring in the New Years. We had our amazing outfits and were going to dance the night away. JP, Jen, and I were going to drive up there and pick up one of her friends and then spend the night there since she lived 5 minutes from the Hard Rock.
I can’t remember the girls name, but I could I can till this day pick her out of a line-up. She was a big girl, about 70lbs over weight, her make-up looked like it was done by a professional drag queen, and she had a black short dress that flew up with every gust of wind, you know, Marilyn Manroe style. But the kicker was that she wasn’t wearing any panties. Yep… no panties, we new this before the dress started flying about over her waist because she wanted JP to know. Any chance this woman had to kiss, grope, or show her lady bits to JP she would take.
JP was not very into her sober, but as the night went on and my dear friend can drink, let me tell you, he thought she was entertaining and would even throw her a bone here and there.
Well, he and I had discussed that we should just give each other the ritualistic kiss. We were friends and well, it wasn’t a big deal, but at least it was going to get done.
Once again everyone starts the count down10…9…8… I was having a great time, this was fun, 4…3… and with that the fat girl comes over and grabs JP. It took those two seconds and the ball dropped, she kissed, actually, it was more of a make-out session, the dirty kind. I was annoyed, and couldn’t believe he would just makeout with someone so gross!
After his make-out session he came up to me and tried to kiss me, I pushed him away. How could I be someone’s sloppy seconds??? No way, no how. It wasn’t till he sobered up that he noticed what he had done and that now this girl was hell bent on getting him into bed that he started to repent to me.
I ended up having to tell her that he was going to spend the night with me (total lie, we just slept next to each other, but for her sake we cuddled until she left).
Another New Year’s kiss gone, and this time I was thwarted by another… a fat girl who looked like a drag-queen.